Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you were well aware of every movement of Pope Francis last week as he visited the U.S. for the first time.

The Pope’s travel agent is Alberto Gasparri – although a more impressive title is “Papal Trip Organizer.” I read (and embellished) a rather funny pre-trip prediction of what his agenda might include:

Tuesday – Sept 22

• 4:00 pm: Arrive Washington D.C. and explain to U.S. Customs Officer that he has not exceeded the $100 limit for Cuban cigars
• 4:35 pm: Check in with God to let Him know he got there okay
• 8:00 pm: Stretch out on the bed at the Bethesda Econo Lodge and catch up on missed episodes of the Big Bang Theory while eating Pringles from the minibar

Wednesday – Sept 23

• 10:30 am: Following meeting with President Obama, receive the standard White House parting gift of $35 million in foreign military financing
• 1:00 pm: Segway tour of the National Mall

Thursday – Sept 24

• 9:20 am: Arrive at Capitol; meet Tea party members who also commune directly with God
• 10:05 am: Within five minutes of delivering speech to Congress, realize that your message of love and compassion is not so universal
• 10:30 am: Propose 2016 fiscal year budget to members of House and Senate
• 6:00 pm: Backstage meet-and-greet with VIP Ticket winners of the Catholic Crush Sweepstakes, a radio promotion on KISS 107.9

Friday – Sept 25

• 8:40 am: Get tuned out by U.N. representatives from countries with highest income inequality
• 2:30 pm: Spend the afternoon in Central Park feeding holy communion wafers to pigeons
• 4:00 pm: Visit Our Lady Queen Of Angels School in Harlem for ceremonial slashing of the sex education budget
• 7:03 pm: Empathize with Soundgarden fan in the Madison Square Garden crowd who realizes he bought tickets for the wrong night

Saturday – Sept 26

• 11:15 am: Throw key to city of Philadelphia in hotel trash can
• 12:30 pm: Unbearable two-hour lunch with second cousin who lives in the Philadelphia suburbs

Sunday – Sept 27

• 1:00 pm: Official ceremony to lift the curse placed by God on the Philadelphia Eagles in 1963
• 8:00 pm: Board plane for return trip to Rome, having learned many lessons, met dozens of great new friends and grown as a pope

from left: The Pope attempts to take flight with his white cape, apparently unaware that it had already been done by The Flying Nun back in the 60s. Her magic hat, listed on an auction site, for $10,000!

from left: Sister Selfies with an official Pope Francis pop-up out-out; the Pope reacts to the news that Pumpkin Spice Lattes are officially in season at Starbucks.

The Pope as a typical traveler (from left): disputing his minbar charges at the Bethesda EconoLodge at check-out; feeling the effects of jet lag.

There were dozens of “Papal Fun Facts” published on the website of the Archdiocese of New York in honor of the occasion. A few of them are worth repeating:

“Papal Fun Facts”

Of course the Pope didn’t do any of these things on that bogus agenda (except maybe the Thursday morning schedule). He proved to be a great traveler though, and can teach us many lessons:

1. He simplified his wardrobe and stuck to one main color, even though someone didn’t tell him you don’t wear white after Labor Day. He dispensed with the red velvet slippers, too.
2. He attempted to leave a minimal carbon footprint by commuting in a Fiat 500 (with a 1.4-liter engine that gets 31 mfg/city, 40 mpg/highway).  Of course his ecology-minded efforts were overshadowed by the hovering helicopters, motorcycle escorts and huge black SUVs driven by the Secret Service and other conspicuous security staff
3. He connected with the locals by having lunch with the homeless in Washington.
4. He visited Cuba before all the Carnival cruise ships started going there!

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