A funny thing happened to me on Wednesday.
Not the kind of “ha ha” funny, but “hmmmm, that’s interesting” kind of funny.
Several weeks ago, I noticed discomfort in my lower extremities. Kind of bloating, belching, non-normal bowel movements (sorry if that’s TMI for you . . . ) and some unusual coughing.
“Constipation,” suggested Scott.
Never having had an issue before, I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on – but I knew this wasn’t my normal. Nothing painful – just not comfortable. It persisted for awhile, even after a phone consultation with my doctor produced the suggestion that I take Miralax (for the bowel issue) and Prilosec for possible acid reflux.
I’ve always been grateful to be healthy. Yes, I should exercise more and eat better, but despite that – I have a rock-solid constitution, no fear of flying, no issues with motion sickness and can sleep through the night just about anywhere (though I prefer at least a business class seat these days). My good health has certainly been an asset in my career.
Whenever I fill out one of those health forms with check boxes asking yes or no next to dozens and dozens of possible ailments, diseases, surgeries, allergies, etc. – I breeze through that list like nobody’s business: “No. No. No. No. No.” Another reminder to be grateful for what doesn’t ail me.
Even menopause was easy. (Please don’t hate me . . .)
So this persistent discomfort was unsettling in more ways than one. I wondered, “Is this what it’s like to get old?”
I scheduled a doctor’s appointment, where the nurse took my vitals and I discovered that I was an inch shorter than I used to be. Really???
After hearing my litany of symptoms, the doctor recommended a CT scan and colonoscopy, for which I was due anyway. They took six vials of blood that day, and called the very next day to tell me there were no abnormalities in my blood. And last week’s cat scan fascinated me with a cute little LED screen showing me when I was to hold my breath and when I could let it out. As for the colonoscopy? Well – that one would wait till I got back from a major European travel program I was handling.
Two days ago, on Tuesday morning, I got a call from my doctor’s nurse.
“The doctor would like to meet with you to discuss the results of your cat scan.”
Uh, oh. Didn’t like the sound of that. “I’m leaving for Europe on Wednesday afternoon for 2 1/2 weeks. I could come today or tomorrow morning. After that, I’ll be gone till July 25th.”
“The doctor’s not in today. But I’ll put you down for 8:50 on Wednesday morning. You’ll be his first appointment of the day,” she said.
I wondered, “Why does he need to talk to me? Why don’t they just tell me everything checked out okay?”
I texted my husband and asked him to come to the appointment with me. “Is this what’s it’s going to be like getting old … going to doctor appointments together?”
Tuesday was a short night – finalizing arrangements for my most important association client: a complex program which includes a pre-trip to Belgium for 40 people, a 4-night itinerary in Amsterdam for 160 and 54 people extending on an 8-night post-trip to Paris plus a river cruise to Normandy. Lots of people, lots of moving parts, lots of puzzle pieces: flights, transfers, hotels, tours, timings, meals, meetings, museum admissions, special diets, deviations, VIPs, etc., etc., etc. It’s what I’ve done for my entire career, and – for this particular client – have been doing annually since 1989.
I started working on this particular project in February of last year. After all those months, two site inspections, hundreds of registration reports, thousands of emails – I would finally get the big payoff – and see it all come to fruition as 160 happy people enjoy the gala farewell party I’d lovingly planned for them at the Koepelkerk in Amsterdam.
(In case it’s not obvious: I love what I do!)
But right now, here I am . . . sitting in the examination room at Kaiser. Clock is ticking. 8:58. 9:05. 9:12. Grrrrr.
“I’m his first appointment? I’ve got to go home and finish packing! Doesn’t he know how busy I am?”
I say to Scott, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.”
“Then go,” he said. “It’s your turn to keep him waiting.”
The bathroom is just around the corner. I must tell the doc that I’m pooping normally again.
It’s about 9:20 when he comes in and logs onto the computer. Reading from the screen I hear him say, “Pelvic mass; pleural effusion around the lungs; carcinoma cannot be ruled out; 18.2 centimeters by 10.8 centimeters . . .”
I stop him there: “Doctor, did you say 18 centimeters??? Not millimeters???”
Jeesuz! That’s like a little Nerfball! And I cup my hands together in the shape of the little foam football that my brothers used to toss around the backyard. (I guess that’s what I mean by ‘funny’ – why did I conjure up that image, of all things!)
Doc pulls out a measuring tape from the drawer. “Yeah, that’s about 7 inches by 4 inches.”
He keeps reading from the screen. “11.6 centimeters transverse in the conglomerate measurement obscuring the uterus margin.”
(insert expletive)! This is not going the way I expected.
“I think it’s not advisable for you to go away on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks. I’d like you to get some more tests.”
“Doctor, I’m not going on vacation! I’m in charge of 160 people. This is my business. I’ve got to go. In fact, my flight leaves in 6 hours.”
This can’t be happening. Not to me. I’m healthy as a horse. I’m even pooping regularly again!
Scott asks, “Doctor, what happens if she puts off the tests for a couple of weeks? Will it make that much difference?”
At this point, the Doc is supposed to say, “Well, sure. I suppose that’ll be fine. You go off and do what you have to do and we’ll get things scheduled when you come back.”
But he doesn’t say that.
(insert expletive)!
The doctor continues. I’m half listening. He pats me on the knee. “I’m sorry to have to deliver this news.”
This is NOT happening. This CANNOT be happening. I cannot NOT go to Europe. “Well, okay,” my mental negotiation began, “Howard could handle the river cruise part of it . . . so I’d only be gone about half the amount of time.”
And I hear Scott saying gently, “Honey, I know how important your customers are, but you’ve got to take care of your health first.”
The doctor pipes in, “I could talk with the gynecologist oncologist and get her opinion . . . ”
(insert expletive)! Did I hear him say oncologist? Seriously????
“Yes, Doctor, please go call her.”
For several minutes Scott and I are alone in that examination room. I let the expletives fly and the tears flow. “This CANNOT be happening!” He holds me and comforts me as I rage against this unbelievable and unexpected news.
And I silently wonder if my Dad was in the examination room at St. Mary’s Hospital back in 1967 when my Mom was told that she had breast cancer and needed a radical mastectomy.
Scott continues, “You know your staff can handle this, honey.”
“I know, but . . . ” I can’t finish the sentence.
“Give me my phone, please. I’ll call Gabriel. But you might have to talk to him,” I said, blowing my nose and trying to compose myself.
I dial his cell phone – knowing he’ll pick up.
“Hi, Marilyn,” he says brightly.
“Hey,” is all I manage to say, and quickly pass the phone to Scott. He explains where we are, plus one or two sentences about what the doctor has recommended. Nothing more than that.
“No worries. We’re on it!” Gabriel assures him.
And that’s it. Decision made. I’ve surrendered. My fabulous team will pick up and take over – and the program will run brilliantly without me – and I won’t be there to see the final night gala party I’d planned – oh, and I need to advise my agent which floral arrangement I prefer – and I won’t see the fireworks over the Eiffel Tower on Bastille Day – and I won’t get to see the beaches at Normandy – and (now this is the really funny part – at least I think so . . .) – I don’t have to pack!
A palpable flood of relief overcame me. Something akin to joy. I don’t have to go home and pack!!!
It’s funny what you (okay, me…) think about at certain times. As much as I love to travel, I hate packing. Never knew quite how much I hated it until that moment.
Two hours later, I was in the office, briefing Gabriel on everything he needed to know. He’d already called a team meeting, advised our DMC, booked himself a flight and a hotel room, cancelled my flight, advised his family that he was cancelling everything on his personal and social calendar for the next ten days – and god know what else he had managed to do.
I often call him my Angel Gabriel. Everyone who knows him would agree.
And I can say the same thing about everyone on my team. There isn’t anything any of us won’t do to support each other. It took me a whole lotta years to attract such a stellar group of employees. A whole lotta misfit employees before I figured out how (finally) to attract, hire and retain the right ones. I’m so blessed.
The last 24 hours have been a gift – a state of heightened consciousness, greater gratitude, deeper sleep, longer hugs and sweeter kisses, opening doors for two different people in wheelchairs, tender support from my closest girlfriends, pastor and hubby, wonderful acknowledgement from my client about having built such a great team, an unexpected opportunity to see my Florida-based grandkids who are in San Diego this weekend.
With Gabriel and Howard gone, me and the girls on my team went out for a 2-hour lunch today. I ordered a dirty martini (extra olives!), a burger and ice cream. I feel fantastic and am pooping normally.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to hear something from Kaiser about the bloodwork and find out what’s next in the course of treatment to rid myself of my little Nerfball. But that’s tomorrow. I’ll take tomorrow as it comes – tomorrow.
All I know is that today was a very good day. And I am grateful.
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44 Comments
Joyce Wakters July 8, 2016 at 2:58pm
Marilyn, you are in my prayers.
Patty Opderbeck July 8, 2016 at 6:25pm
You are truly amazing. With your attitude I am sure this will all work out. So sorry this is happening. Thoughts are with you.
Helene Volkman July 8, 2016 at 8:11pm
Marilyn, I join the large group already pulling for you and I know the end result will be fine.
Keep believing that only good will happen, and it will! All my very best wishes,
Helene
Melissa July 8, 2016 at 3:05pm
Cue the waterworks.
What a perfect reminder to us all.
Thanks for your gift of sharing.
Wrapping you in love.
Nina mihranian July 8, 2016 at 3:09pm
Dear Marilyn,
May God be with you in the journey to get you back rolling out your suitcase ( ok hire someone to pack for you now that you aknowkedgedyou hate packing) out the door, to Lax,to Paris , to San Diego to whatever you always so happily do.
Sincerely nina
Carol Allen July 8, 2016 at 3:20pm
Wow – you’re amazing! So glad you have such lovely support and such a wonderful team. PULEEZ let me know if you need anything… I’ve been down this path MANY times with dear friends and family and have TONS of advice (including amazing alternative things you can do to enjoy it all so much more…) Dr. Frankel in Santa Monica can get you Canabis oil (a UCLA Suma Cum Laude doc – 50% of his “terminal” patients are all alive and well years later…). 818-437-4820. HUGS!!!!!
Kathleen Barry July 8, 2016 at 3:20pm
You had me at meow🐱🐱🙏.
Patty Karabatsos July 8, 2016 at 3:42pm
Marilyn,
You are amazing! You can always find the silver lining….yeah, I don’t have to pack,😃. I am with you in spirit and hope everything goes well over the next several weeks. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Don and Sharon July 8, 2016 at 4:02pm
You will be in our thoughts and prayers. Gabriel is the best!
Sonia Alemshah July 8, 2016 at 4:02pm
Marilyn,
In my late 30’s, I was told I had a couple of growths the size of a grapefruit, one in the uterus, one on the ovary. I panicked, felt scared as my kids were still very young and still needed their mother. I had a total hysterectomy and was told that I was going to go through menopause. After surgery and a few weeks of recovery, results came in and everything was benign, no cancer. I will pray for the same results for you too. You are truly an inspiration to all of us who know you and love you. Positive vibes and prayers coming your way.
Helen Ryan July 8, 2016 at 4:35pm
Oh my gosh, what a shock! I had something similar and it’s still going on! BUT, I’M STILL HERE!!!
And so will you be.
Enjoy life’s “little” things as well as the biggies.
Affectionately, Helen Ryan
Anne Haigazian July 8, 2016 at 4:39pm
Dear Marilyn,
Get well soon my wowee friend! I want to see you healthy and bubbling with life again so you can bring laughter and joy to our hearts. Prayers for speedy recovery.
Lot of love,
Anne
Jane Halsey July 8, 2016 at 4:44pm
Love you, Love your spirit and your generosity in sharing your life with everyone. I join a huge community of support that surrounds you. I am reminded of our conversation about finding the time to finish the book and wonder if that will be one of the unexpected turns from this current journey. Let me here affirm your inherent health and wellbeing from which whatever healing wants to come forth does. God bless you, Scott, Gabriel, and all of your amazing team.
There is a huge community that has your back Marilyn. Just ask us for what you need
Love and big hug!
Mary Jo July 8, 2016 at 4:45pm
Prayers, prayers, good energy and more prayers are coming your way. Wish I could hug you, please know that in my heart I am.
Ann Rosner July 8, 2016 at 4:56pm
My dear friend, I am so happy you are surrounded by warm hugs and sweet kisses, I can’t give you that but I am here for you. Hopefully, this will just be a bump in the road and you can get back to what you love to do..
In the meantime, I send you my wishes for a complete success in this journey. You are mightily loved and cared about, and I am one of those. I will keep you in my prayers… I started to reconnect with my Church over a year ago and go every Saturday afternoon.. You will be in my prayers… Un besito.
Ellen July 8, 2016 at 5:50pm
Dear Marilyn, Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Scott. I recently had a total hysterectomy for a small tumor they found in my uterus. All turned out well and I am doing reg scans (incl those wonderful colonoscopies!) We are here for you – for whatever you need. Much love, Ellen & Dana
Jim gerwick July 8, 2016 at 6:07pm
You have more than one team; there are teams of friends as
well.
Andrea Michaels July 8, 2016 at 6:08pm
Marilyn, I hope that after this amazing piece of writing and introspection you shared that you will update all of us on what reality is and know that as a community you’ve created with your warmth and friendship that we are all figuratively holding your hand along with Scott through anything life holds for you.
Julie Franz July 8, 2016 at 6:08pm
Wow, what a shock! I am looking at the photo you posted yesterday in a whole new light! My prayers are with you as you go through this process, and I am hoping that you get clear information quickly and that all is benign. I know you have an amazing team, an incredible support group, and an indomitable spirit which will help you get through whatever comes your way. Thank you for letting us know. We love you!
Marilyn July 8, 2016 at 6:19pm
To everyone who has commented, texted, called and emailed . . . “wow”! Thank you for your love and friendship and well wishes. I ask that you “pay it forward” – give your strung-out waitress a bigger tip, hug your honey a little harder and a little longer, address the clerk by name when you say thanks . . . pay attention to all the ways you can spread your goodness. Because our country and our planet needs all good people to show up in a bigger, bolder way! That’s all we have to do to turn this thing around – expand our consciousness and love with as much conviction as possible. I’m so truly blessed. Thank you all!!!
Tom July 8, 2016 at 6:38pm
Marilyn, I will keep you in my prayers. You positive attitude will is amazing ! Get well soon and keep traveling.
JoAnn Yamashiro July 8, 2016 at 6:50pm
Us, women have always “taken care of ourselves”. Spas, facials, massages, retreats, etc. Experiences,like this, gives us an opportunity to redefine “taking care of ourselves”
Your amazingly loyal staff. The caring love of family & friends. The AHAs discoveries of what you truly like/love rather than tolerate. And time.
I hope through this journey, you will allow us to “be” there for you without hesitation. And you will continue to write. This is just one of your many gifts you give us.
Sending you healing thoughts, healing light, healing humor and, most of all,
healing love.
Susan Rosenberg July 8, 2016 at 7:40pm
Dearest Marilyn, Beautifully written and shared. I am by your side. You are in my heart.
Diane Bowen July 8, 2016 at 8:27pm
Hi Marilyn: Best wishes and thoughts are coming your way from all the judges in the International Academy of Trial Judges, and me!! Diane
Thora Pabst July 8, 2016 at 9:42pm
Hi, Marilyn,
Where to begin? Something I have learned from my son’s MS and Mark Twain: I have lived through many things, most of which never happened. This is not to minimize your situation, but all we can do is to be present in the moment, which you do beautifully, and not to borrow difficulties from a future that we do not yet know (witness the dirty martini). You are good and kind and strong. No matter what, I know you’ll be okay. That says a lot about the positive person you are! Please keep us updated. I send only the best your way!
Love, Love, Love, Thora
Doris Woodward July 8, 2016 at 10:08pm
Dearest Daughter (in-law)
This is tough, and I’m glad you shared this experience with me. Your mental attitude is the best medicine there is, so keep it up. Everyone in Spokane is rooting for you.
Love always from Mom
Linda Nakamura July 8, 2016 at 10:25pm
Marilyn, I am on your cheering squad. Please use this time to spend some time taking care of yourself. I will have you in my thoughts.
Marcie Malloy July 8, 2016 at 11:46pm
You are truly amazing in all you do! Your writing, your traveling, the people to work with, your prosperous business you love so much, oh, and your wonderful Scott and family! I know you will come through all of this in a very positive, beautiful way.
It’s been over a year since I’ve moved away from Southern to Northern California, and since I’ve seen you, but your great writing has kept me happy to hear from you. Thank you so much! Please keep us informed, and I know we will all keep you in our prayers!
Rose July 9, 2016 at 1:03am
Marilyn, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of love. Stay strong and positive, my dear friend. I am here for you, whatever you may need.
Helen July 9, 2016 at 4:12am
“70 to 80% of women over 50 have non malignant uterine fibroids”.
Betcha’ that’s it!
Hilda Haigazian July 9, 2016 at 5:58am
Dear Meralyn,
I just read your post now you truly are an AMAZING lady. Sharing this with everyone truly shows who you really are.
Gabriel called me on Wednesday on his way home from office to pack and told me about it and how he did not know much about the program since it is your baby and I told him he is superman and he can handle anything and I am sure he will.
All you need to do now take care of your health which is the most important thing now. You are a strong person and have a huge support group starting with Scott, the girls, your office team and all your family and friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you please let me know if you need anything at all.
Just FYI 2 years ago I was at the gynaecologists office (1 of the best oncologists is LA I was told hahaha) all alone after he examined me he told me the mass I have is the size of grapefruit and most likely is 90% carcinoma and that I needed to have it removed immediately, my whole world crumbled in front of me and I started crying and he touched my shoulder saying it will all be fine, I did not think that then. So I know first hand how you felt. He was so sure it was Carcinoma he cut me up to make sure he takes everything out and it tuned out NOT TO BE , it was non malignant (very great full for that). I am sure yours is the same 😍😍😍
Wowee # 1 can not wait to go on that amazing trip to Croatia with the Queen of CTP next year.
Big hugs and lots of love to you Hilda
Dianna Freeman July 9, 2016 at 4:08pm
I have watched you dive off the highest platform in New Zealand and come back up smiling ( no fear ). This is a little scarier but I have no doubt you will come back up smiling.
Nothing but good thoughts and much love heading your way.
Karen Belyan July 9, 2016 at 4:18pm
Marilyn, I love you. You are by far one of the most inspiring, positive, beautiful women (inside and out) I have known in my lifetime. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I am grateful for Scott too. He will be your anchor, and I will be your sail. Whenever you want a hug, just picture my arms around you holding you close, sharing tears, joy, many happy memories, and gratefulness. Wish I was there with you.
I will take your suggestion and increase my “paying it forward” thinking of you each time, and being grateful for having you in my life. I love you.
Teresa July 9, 2016 at 4:23pm
I have a friend who recently went through something very similar. She was grateful that they finally found the “growth” and removed it. She just couldn’t imagine why her system was so out of whack and why she was was so bloated. She had such a positive attitude about it all as you do which will surely help with a full recovery.
She also said another positive about it all (besides it being benign) was that after the surgery, her stomach was so much flatter. She didn’t care to lose the weight that way….but was grateful for that aspect of it too. Take care Creative Queen….
Cheryl Gelbmann July 10, 2016 at 2:04pm
Sounds like you are strong and ready for your journey.
Sending positive vibes!!
Ann Warford July 10, 2016 at 9:46pm
Dearest Marilyn,
We are all grateful for your presence in our lives, and know that whatever the outcome you will use this to illuminate new qualities in you and those that are lucky enough to know you. Sending love, prayers, good intentions for your health and well being. Please keep us posted.
I am so happy to know that even the travel maven hates packing too!
Rhonda Grissom July 11, 2016 at 1:15am
Incredibly written piece. I so admire your courage, candor, and sense of humor. (Among many other things!)
Thinking of you,
XOXO
Rhonda Grissom
Yvonne July 11, 2016 at 3:48pm
Marilyn, My positive thoughts and prayers are with you. Your positive attitude will carry you through this. Hey at 58 I still don’t understand football so I’d drop the ball too! If you drop the football they won’t ask you to carry again!!! Hugs! Yvonne
Marie Burewall July 11, 2016 at 4:22pm
Plenty of love and encouragement from one of your fans in New York!
Marie Burewall (South Korea 2012..:))
Linda Price July 12, 2016 at 12:17am
I found your blog without the link and now understand the new journey you referred to yesterday. Your positive attitude is inspiring and will take you far on this path. Larry and I both send you LOVE and healing energy for a positive outcome. How wonderful you have already seen several “silver linings.” Keep ’em coming! Love, L&L
Corrine Draper July 12, 2016 at 9:48pm
Dear Marilyn, only you could deliver this message in the beautiful, honest and caring way that you have. So many of us live vicariously through your adventurous life and loving heart. I know perfect health and resolution for you. If there is ever anything you need or want from me, please never hesitate to ask. Love to you, Scott and your family.
Corrine Draper July 12, 2016 at 9:54pm
Too funny. I thought my first message was deleted, so I tried to recreate it for you. Just know that you are loved and in my thoughts. Love you.
Ron Murphy July 14, 2016 at 9:12am
Sis, since we Skyped the other day, not much to add here, except that Bob and I didn’t toss the nerf ball around in the backyard. I mean, who would DO such a thing? Don’t you know ANYTHING? I mean, when yer outdoors, its wiffle ball, or tennis ball, or hard ball, or crab apples. What do you think we were, girls or something? Sheesh! Nerfs don’t travel far outdoors, and the wind can affect its flight.
Bill Love July 15, 2016 at 5:37pm
Dear Marilyn,
Sending big hugs, prayers, and lots of love your way! Your outlook on life will get you through this. Amazing you are! 🙂